Is my ADHD Keeping Me Lonely?
The connection between social isolation and ADHD
Anyone who deals with ADHD knows what a lonely world it can be. It would be easy to blame the outside world for our social isolation. After all, weren’t they the ones that rejected us? Sure, we threw a few fits, trashed a few relationships, yelled obscenities or hurtful phrases. None of that was our fault and they knew it. They knew we were a bit quirky. They knew we had trouble focussing on what was going on. They knew we were - well, it doesn’t matter what they knew. What matters is what they would tolerate.
Many of our friends and associates could tolerate the occasional tardiness, forgetfulness, and lack of focus. They could put up with our little quirks of random thoughts said out loud or lack of impulse control. They could put up with a lot of our obvious outsider behavior, but they couldn’t put up with the attitude.
One of the largest struggles those with ADHD and Autism have to fight with is the lack of emotional regulation. When our emotions hit us, they hit us hard. Wrecking ball? We wish. That would be subtle.
Over time, we realize people want to limit the amount of exposure they have to us. Especially if they listen to the “positive talk” self-help people that encourage “cutting out negative people”. They see our unregulated depression as being negative. They look at our disposition of feeling lonely as something that needs to be excised from their lives lest it spread to influence them. Even when we have good relationships, they can feel strained because we are always trying to control our emotional responses.
Those who know and love us have a lot more understanding, usually, but there’s only so much they can take. Sometimes they need a break which can feed our isolation. The idea of being left alone because we weren’t good enough for one reason or another (that’s the depression part) leads us to the conclusion that everyone is going to leave. The only way we know to avoid that feeling is to exclude ourselves from social interactions. It’s better to leave by choice than to be kicked aside by others.
Loneliness isn’t always a matter of being alone. You can feel ostracized while in a group and participating in an activity. You might feel part of a group but when the activity ends, you feel alone again. I experienced that last summer while playing pool volleyball. While separation leads to isolation, loneliness is not dependent on either, but they can feed it. The more we are isolated, the deeper the loneliness gets. The lonelier we feel the more we struggle with our comorbidities, namely depression and anxiety.
Another thing to consider is why we are socially isolated. I mentioned our emotional dysregulation. Where does that come from? Until we’re diagnosed with something, we have no idea. Some of us don’t get diagnosed until later in life. We’ve long since past the age when ADHD should have been weeded out. One of the stigmas about ADHD is that it’s a childhood condition. (See my Stigma Book for more.) The people around us have to deal with our sudden mood swings. Add a lack of impulse control and you’ve got a child that’s difficult to handle. The teenage years don’t get any better. Things get much worse for someone with ADHD and they don’t know why. There’s a back-and-forth cycle that may not get treated until much later in life.
As adults, we decide to isolate ourselves and blame it on being introverts. Truth be told, we may not be as introverted as we claim to be. There are times when we love being in a group. For many people with ADHD, we bounce back and forth between being an introvert and being an extrovert. Society says you have to be one of the other and we try to pick one. Our ADHD says “to hell with the rules”. We’re both.
That can add to the complication of finding a place to fit in as well. The struggle of relating to both sides of the coin but truly accepted by neither is exhausting.
Now, the big question is, does isolation cause ADHD by feeding our depression and anxiety? John Kruse seems to think so. His article We’re Reshaping Our Brains With Loneliness and ADHD suggests that there is a feedback loop. I agree that depression and isolation feed each other. The more depressed I get, the more alone I want to be. The more alone I am, the lonelier I feel. The lonelier I feel, the more depressed I get. But does that depression and social isolation cause ADHD?
The jury is still out on that. You can read the article for yourself and tell me what you think. The science says no but I wouldn’t discount his thoughts on it either. Note: I neither endorse nor dismiss Kruse’s conclusions. After all, he’s more educated than I.
Yes, continued social isolation can feed loneliness. Loneliness can feed depression and other ADHD/Autism comorbidities. However, it is more likely the issue of ADHD/Autism already exists but has been overlooked or ignored for one reason or another. It could be because the person is female and doesn’t fit the stereotype or people have believed the stigma that ADHD is for children and are simply denying the probability.
As we get older, it becomes more and more difficult for us to join new groups, make new friends, and get out of our old habits. We have to purposefully get out of our safe shelter and interact with others. Sometimes we can do that through church or a local book club. We can search online for local groups that interest us. Maybe get started by using social media before interacting in person. In this digital world, there are lots of ways to get out there without actually going out there. We can use it to ease ourselves into the sea of socializing without having to get thrown off the boat. Maria Romaszkan has an article that has some useful tips for dealing with loneliness and breaking our social isolation.
Whether or not ADHD is caused by isolation the fact remains the same. ADHD can make interactions difficult. Friendships will be tested. Loneliness will always be a part of us. That doesn’t mean it has to be a large part. Through diagnosis and treatment, we can break free from social isolation and get involved with others. Those connections can lead to activities that give us a boost of dopamine. That boost can help us want to stay connected. There is a cycle between social isolation and depression. There is also a cycle between connections and lowering the risk of further depression and anxiety.
Russel Barkley: Loneliness & ADHD
Maria Romaszkan: The Connection between ADHD and Loneliness
John Kruse: We’re Reshaping Our Brains With Loneliness and ADHD
Micheal Woodruff: Dismantling the Stigma: 10 Truths about ADHD
Micheal D. Woodruff, Author of “Dismantling the Stigmas: 10 Truths about ADHD”.
As a late-diagnosed neurodivergent, Micheal has had to come face to face with the realities, difficulties, and advantages that are related to Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. He is certified in Unlocking Your Potential with ADHD. He also hosts the podcast “The Eclectic Writer” available on Spotify, Audible, Amazon Music, YouTube music, and many more places.